New English _{(Revision 1)}

Because the previous ones were ass

Stephanie Dare

Important Note: This document will be written in Current English unless otherwise stated.

As we English speakers know good and well, the current version of the English language can go and suck a fat horse dick. This document tries to offer an alternative.

Let’s firstly adress_[sic] the letter C. It serves no purpose whatsoever. Depending on the word, it will make either a ‘k’ or an ‘s’ sound, which, obviously, are already covered. Therefore, it shall be removed from almost all words. Examples of affected words include “calm” → “kalm”, or “census” → “sensus”.

There will, however, be letters added to the language as well. For example, the thorn (þ) makes a comeback and serves its original purpose of replacing “th”. Examples could include “thorn” → “þorn”, or “ethel” → “eþel”. The eth (ð) also makes a comeback, but not for the same purpose. The eth also originally served the same purpose as the thorn, but now we use it to replace the “ch” sound. The letter will also be renamed to “chi”, after the Greek letter that also sometimes is directly translated to “ch”. Examples include “trebuchet” → “trebuðet”, or “watch” → “watð”. While the thorn and the chi both have uppercase symbols (Þ and Ð, respectfully), New English will not use them.

The ash (æ) is recognized as a seperate letter, and is only used for cases where for whatever reason, the letter E must make a sound similar to the letter A. This letter can be capitalized (Æ) if the conditions call for it. An example includes “trebuðet” → “trebuðæt”. Due to difficulties in hand-writing this letter efficiently, it would also be grammatically acceptable to use the un-ligatured “ae” in place of the ash.

Certain silent letters may also be stripped from some words. The silent E, for example, could be replaced by the diatrical mark macron (ā). The macron is used whenever a letter says itself in a word. Examples include “frame” → “frām”, or “English” → “Ēnglish”. However, “X-ray” → “X̄-ray” would not be grammatically correct, since ‘X’ is seperated from “ray”. Some decorative silent letters may also be removed, such as “trebuðæt” → “trebuðæ”. However, a written language sometimes needs silent letters. For example, by the rules of the document up to this point, the word “t̄nāgr” would be technically correct. But even by (relatively) foreign language standards, this looks incomplete. By adding the diatrical mark diaeresis (ä), silent letters are now possible. “T̄nāgr” would then become “T̄ënāgër”. While it still may look odd to you, we can all still agree it is better than the previous iteration.

Previously, the ash was added, and I mentioned how for hand-writing/preference purposes, you can unligature the “æ” → “ae”. The current rules would state that the un-ligatured version should look like “āe”. However, in this context, you should not treat this combination as seperate letters, but as if it was in fact the ligatured ‘æ’.

The letter G is also updated to remove the /j/ sound from it, since, in a similar fashion to the letter C, there is already a letter for it. Examples include “t̄ënāgër” → “t̄ënājër”. Similarly, the letter Y now only makes the /y/ sound, leaving /ī/ for the letter I. Wherever this conversion takes place, the I still has the macron applied. Examples include “sky” → “skī”, “fly” → “flī”, or “kry” → “krī”.

It is important to note that this only applies to official English words. Slang, names, and foreign words can still do whatever they want. You can still name your child “Carl”, “Bethany”, “Pedro”, etc, and still be grammatically in the green. Likewise, words like “naïve”, or “guererro” stay as-is, as that is the way they are spelled in their source languages (French and Spanish, respectively).

Finally, like the last document, this revision of New English is not the last. It is definetely subject to change at any point, and suggestions of such are appreciated.