New English

because this one is ass

Michael Townley

Revision 01

As we English-speakers know, English sucks horse dick. This new specification aims to fix that.

NOTE: This document will be written in Current English,

unless otherwise stated.

Let’s firstly adress_[sic] the letter ‘C’. It is absolutely useless. Depending on the word, it will make the sound of a ‘k’ or an ‘s’. It simply has no place here.

There will, however, be two new letters: the thorn and the eth, written as ‘þ’ and ‘ð’ respectively. The thorn will replace the “th” sound, retaining its original purpose. Examples include “the”→”þe”, or “thorn”→”þorn”. The eth, originally, also served the thorn’s purpose, but now we repurpose it to make the “ch” sound, since we removed the letter C. Examples include “trebuchet”→”trebuðet”, or “watch”→”watð”. Finally, the ash (æ) will be used for when words require the letter E to make an ‘A’ sound. Due to the difficulty of hand-writing the ash, this letter will be optional, and most likely be only used in digital and machine-printed works. In scenarios where usage of the ash is not attractive, the un-ligatured “ae” can also be used as a substitute, for these two letters together serve the same purpose.

Some silent letters, for lack of a better term, are useless. Silent E, for example, can be replaced with the macron (ā). The macron is used any time a letter says its name in a word. This goes for both vowels and consonants. Examples include “shame”→”shām”, or “close”→”clōs”, or even “climb”→”clīmb”, but not “x-ray”→”x̄-ray”, since ‘X’ in “x-ray” is not part of the word itself. Decorative silent letters may also be removed from certain words, like “trebuðæt”→” trebuðæ”. However, sometimes, written words just need silent letters. For example, the conversion of “teenager” to “t̄nāgr”, up until this point in the document, would technically be correct. However, even setting biases aside, this word doesn’t look right.

[this was as far as I got in this version of Nēū Ēngliś]